“I’m Fine” “It’s Fine”… what that really means when a woman says it …

I recently was texting with a friend trying to set a time to get together and after a lot of back and forth, I realized when I asked “how are you? She didn’t answer.  So I asked again “how are you”? And her response was “I’m fine”  and to me that meant she wasn’t, when women say “I’m fine” chances are they’re not.  My response was “I don’t want you to just be “fine” I want you to be good, is something wrong?” She replied “Awwww you are so sweet. We’ll catch up next week when I see you.” Turned out she’s going through all the perimenopausal issues that I’ve been going through and since I’m an “over-sharer” (“over-sharing” will be another post;)) when we got together I was able to tell her the things I had tried and what worked & didn’t work, but more than anything she felt better just knowing that she’s not alone!  Anyway I know when I say “I’m fine” or “it’s fine” I’m not, not really and it’s not, not really 😔. Because 95% of the time I’m good, even great.  I’ve come to realize it’s true about most women and I recently heard a man I know who’s slightly older saying to a few people “one thing I’ve learned in all my years is when a woman says “she’s fine” she’s not!”  Exactly!!!  I think when men say “they’re fine” chances are they’re probably pretty good.  But women especially mothers & wives are supposed to be good, great, perfect.  Especially the women I know & in the community I live in, I live in a very affluent, beautiful town where most of the people I know pretty much have everything anyone could want or ask for, let alone NEED! (I was born here & the only reason we can still afford to live here is because my husband and I worked really hard and bought our first house right before the real estate market “door” closed on us). There are a lot of people who have migrated here from California, the East Coast and Chicago that come from a ton of money and for the most part don’t work and if they do work they don’t HAVE to, I have nothing against them, why wouldn’t you want to move here? it’s beautiful, has a fairly mild climate, great restaurants (or so I’m told, I’m not a “foody”), an active, healthy lifestyle, it’s a great place to ” raise a family” (I always thought that but I guess it REALLY is in comparison, I wouldn’t know because I’ve lived here my whole life) great public schools (the public schools here graduate more Ivy League kids that the private schools), beautiful mountains, great skiing, mountain biking, hiking, some of the best yoga instructors in the country & I could go on. I diverged from my topic, if you knew me you wouldn’t be surprised!  Anyway, we as women with happy, healthy children, a roof over our head (a lot of times multi-million dollar roofs) healthy, (organic 🙄) food on the table, time to exercise & “take care of yourself” most of my friends have good husbands & fathers to their children, hard workers (if they work;)). That being said, just because you have everything you need or want doesn’t mean you’re always “great” and I believe you don’t have to be and shouldn’t be great all the time!  We’re all “only human” correct?  My husband would disagree, I remember having a spell of not feeling great, and not super happy and dealing with some health and sleep issues (perimenopausal issues I’m certain) and my husband was maybe 😉 criticizing me and my reply was “I’m doing the best I can” because at the time I truly felt like I was barely keeping my head above water.

He said “you’re not, I’ve seen your best and this is not it!”, my reply was “for right now I actually am!”  And he said “you could have it so much worse you could live in Africa and have to walk 20 miles a day, each way, just to get water for your children”.  I told my friend that he said that to me and her response was “but you DON’T, live in Africa and you don’t have to walk 20 miles a day to get water!  And you have the right to not feel or function at 100% at all times”.

Just yesterday, I asked my friend how she was … after having a really shitty day the day before and her response was “I’m fine” and I said “I know exactly what fine means!” and her response was “Fine is — not as shitty as Saturday but not whoo hoo all is great”  and I said “EXACTLY”!

FINE IS RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE!!!

Fine is somewhere in between and I personally think somewhere in the middle isn’t a place I want to be very often,  It’s dull, it’s flat, it’s not that great, but I guess it’s “fine” 😉