I was sitting in yoga before class the other day trying to “meditate” and one of my favorite, long time yoga teachers (actually the one who really “hooked me” on yoga) was taking the same class. She gently touched my shoulder and said “you look so spiritual & serene sitting there” and I almost said “looks can be deceiving” but instead I just smiled. Maybe if I keep sitting still and trying to meditate & smiling I WILL become spiritual, serene, peaceful, content …. that’s what I keep “praying” for because I’m not. When the teacher says set an intention for your practice, something you want to take with you “off the mat”, mine is always “remain peaceful & calm” the two things I am not, but desperately NEED to be … I went off my anti-anxiety/depression medicine a couple of months ago and at first I thought I was doing great but slowly the racing heart, sleeplessness, uncontrollable irritability has crept back in … if I were single & alone I might try to push through, but I have a husband, two kids, two dogs, a cat, a mom recovering from one of the worst cancer surgeries you can have, and the list goes on, and none of them deserve having to endure my bitchiness. The definition of spiritual: affecting the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things, The definition of serene: calm, peaceful, and untroubled; tranquil, “her eyes were closed and she looked very serene”, (synonyms: calm, composed, tranquil, peaceful, untroubled, relaxed, at ease, unperturbed, unruffled, unworried)… I WISH!!! Anyway, I “gave in” and went back on Lexipro — for better or for worse — those around me would probably say for better and unfortunately I have to agree 😦 I’m sleeping better, not flying off the handle over the littlest inconvenience or mishap, all and all better for everyone involved. I really tried, I tried meditating every day (or as often as I could) for a couple months — it helped a bit but not enough (unfortunately). I’m going to try to keep up with the meditation because I think, actually I know it helps. My husband has been meditating almost every day for the last two years and he is such a better husband, father & human being because of it, it’s amazing how much more tolerant he is … with me especially.
I may look calm & peaceful & put together on the outside … but on the inside I feel like I want to smash a dinner plate on the floor or throw a rock through one of my plate-glass windows that I adore in my house that I adore. Or alternatively, crawl into my bed and go to sleep and never come out … I mean ever! And this isn’t to say I always feel this way but I definitely “have my moments”! I was telling my friend about the yoga teacher incident because she was asking me why I hadn’t written in my blog for awhile and I told her “funny you should ask” … and I told her I’ve had too much “real life shit going on” and then I told her about the “looks can be deceiving” yoga incident that prompted this post. I said to her “come to think of it you are one of those people that always looks serene & peaceful & happy, on top of being one of the most beautiful people on the planet” and her response was “oh I have my moments you just wouldn’t know it by looking at me” … see looks can be deceiving.
So now I’m back on my “happy pill” and I wouldn’t say it makes me happier but I’m generally calmer, no wanting to throw rocks through windows or slam plates on the floor when no one shows up to dinner or shows up and then says they aren’t hungry because they don’t like the looks of it ;)),